Friday, January 20, 2012

Maybe the Mayans had it right?!?!?!

I truly don't know if I can survive another season of American Idol....


Wait a second. Can I get sued for posting that name here?  Who knows.. Screw it..no really..screw it. Like my Dad always said;


"You can't get blood from a turnip."


So step right up boys, break out your credentials...write your opinions and go for the throat.  I don't give a shit.


I HATE AMERICAN IDOL.


Don't get me wrong, I've watched it.  When my wife is off (she works evenings with a rotating schedule for her days off) she is the Queen of the Remote, and occasionally I do actually enjoy parts of it..


Parts of it beyond the people auditioning who you know, up front, are going to be horrible.


I think they pay these people. Can there be that many people willing to go on National TV and made a total douche of themselves?


Don't answer that. YES, I forgot all about Jersey Shore.


Why the hell do we even call it "Reality TV"? Come on....


So the end of the show is coming on, you know where they show the "Very last" person auditioning in that particular city.  And the person in question is a tall, leggy blonde.  Okay...I see where this is going.


Then it goes into the story of her life basically.  So you know, RIGHT THERE, that she's going to be good.  Come on...they wouldn't waste all that airtime is she wasn't. They obviously visited her at her house, talked to her and her husband, and not to forget the Ryan Seacrest narration...I bet he gets paid by the word.


And she was pretty good.  Then it shows a close up up Steven Tyler...jesus...what is he like 80 years old?


It's about 10 minutes into this whole thing that I realize...when this started, I was getting up to go throw some clothes in the dryer and feed the dog...and probably something else....and American Idol DISTRACTED ME.


Those sneaky bastards...they did that on purpose.


As this is going down my teenage son walks into the living room...and we then progress into me trying to explain how this was all planned. I mean come on kid...they were AT HER HOUSE. The camera was showing her leaving to drive a state away for this audition.  How do you explain that if she just showed up to audition.


Then my son throws out something that leads me to believe, AGAIN I MIGHT ADD, that he's somehow finding the money to smoke some really good dope.


"I bet the people who audition for Idol have to pay. I bet they charge for it."


I'm speechless...okay maybe not speechless, but I had to rethink the first word that was automatically coming out of my mouth.


For those of you who DON'T have teenage sons...let me explain the comment about illegal drug use...don't want to get sued over that too... (but just in case, see the above "turnip" comment...)


When my son was 12 years old he was a highly intelligent, polite, well-mannered, athletic kid. "Yes Ma'am and yes sir" all the way.


The day he turned 13, it was like he became the  21st century reincarnation of Shaggy from Scooby Doo, and I'm not just talking about the hair.


Hell I spent hours looking for his stash, and still can't find it.


He still gets good grades....with a bit of prodding (no..not an electric cattle prod, but thanks for the idea) and he's still athletic...and since he started GROWING AGAIN, he's eating enough every month that I could make the payment on a new Corvette + insurance for a teenage driver..but I digress.


Now he's at that "man child" stage. He's 15...soon he'll be getting his learner's permit. For DRIVING. IN A CAR. ON THE ROAD.


YEAH...ME TOO.


He's right at 6ft tall....and he's been working out (supervised genius...I cut the 'roid doses in half because of the age thing)...so between trips to walk in front of the mirror in the living room downstairs..SHIRTLESS...he tends to say  some things that make me think everything will be okay.


I won't end up divorced when he's 30 because he's still living at home. I won't end up avoiding conversations about what my son is doing now.


Then, usually immediately after the surge of relief has started diminishing, he opens his mouth again...and all hope is lost.


And arguing with him? Jesus...


DAD...ARE YOU LISTENING...


I'm sorry. TRULY. I am.


Now how about adopting a 15 year old...



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